Archive | December 2011

Gratitude and Relationships

It’s Wednesday night, December 28h.  It’s been a long week, or so.  Was feeling pretty sorry for myself on Christmas.  I’m done with that!  I had the rest of the family come over just as I was finishing up my last blog post.  There were gifts and merriment.  I spent the rest of the day with friends from a support group I belong to.  What a wonderful experience that was!

Do you know how nice it is to go be with people who CHOOSE to be with you on Christmas?  Where there is no sense of obligation or any long time history of an unhealthy dynamic?  It’s fabulous!  I recommend it to everyone!  We don’t get to choose our bio-families…. but we can choose our supportive family.  Thank God for small miracles!

I went to an AA meeting later Christmas night.  There was a woman sharing who was clean and sober off alcohol and meth for only 30 days.  She was divorcing a man who abuses her.  Two of her three sons are in prison… one with a life sentence, no possibility of parole.  There was a fellow who staggered in straight up drunk.  Yes, falling down, “I love you,man” drunk.  I was filled with such a sense of gratitude.  Drinking has not ever been my main issue.  It is just the program I went to which got me into the one I need to be in.  Much easier to accept an alcohol problem than an eating problem.  I shared in that meeting that I’ve been sober for just under 8 years now.  The problems I have now are truly “luxury problems”.

What is a luxury problem?  I asked that question for a long time when I was first getting my life straightened back out after a major manic episode which left me driving drunk on the wrong way of freeway on ramp, in a psych hospital for danger to myself, and out of a job and back on disability.  I was looking at the world around me asking what in the hell a “luxury” problem was!  I just totally couldn’t relate.  Today I do.  I have a job. I have a home to live in.  A warm bed to sleep in.  A man I love.  A relationship I cherish.  Friends who love me like family.  A strong support system when things are hard.  Money in the bank… even if it is just a little!  The list goes on!  Not living exactly where I want to and having my own car are really pretty small compared to the problems other have.  I have come to believe that GRATITUDE is the key to a happy exhistence.

Right this moment, I am feeling afraid.  Mildly,but afraid.  I have started to set boundaries and ask for what I want and need in my relationships.  Both close to me and those at more distance.  I sent Benneth an email talking about my desire for each of us to work on jealousy issues.  As indivuals and as a couple.  How do we overcome this difficult issue.  Is there willingness for each of us to look at our core beliefs about ourselves and our relationship.  I don’t doubt the stability of our relationship one bit.  I believe strongly that this is something we can accomplish.  I know I have the ego strength to pick up and deal with this issue by the horns.  My fear is that it will bring up more discomfort between us.  Looking at the hard parts in a relationship is just that…HARD! 

Being married and making a relationship work is more than just paying the bills, cleaning house, making love, and the day-to-day mundane things.  There is so much more to it if it is to be truly strong and healthy.  This is something I’ve never had.  I’ve had relationships in the past which left soo much lacking!  I want to have a marriage with Benneth where we do the work and have a marriage and love others look at and envy.  “How do they do it?”  That is the question I want everyone to ask.  With all the obstacles we must overcome to have a marriage at all… I want it to be so solid that not even the most destructive disaster…or God himself…  can break it apart!  Working on the issues which make things more difficult in the long run upfront make things so much easier.  This is a lesson I wish to learn from other’s experience.

I  know this is going all over the place tonight.  There is just so much on my mind and in my heart tonight. 

For my Benneth…  I love you deeply and forever.  My wish is for you to never doubt my love or commitment to you.  And for me to never worry I am not enough to keep you.  We have a love so deep and so pure that I have no doubt this wish can come true.  Afuru ngi naya, Obi m!

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Is it a Blue Christmas or a Pity Party?

Here it is Christmas again…. 2011.  The year is almost at it’s close.  I can’t wait!  There has been so much stress and strife this year I simply cannot wait for new and better things to arise in 2012.

I ask myself today if this truly is a Blue Christmas for me… or if I’m feeling sorry for myself for a number of reasons.  The first and foremost…. Benneth is not here!  He was supposed to be here back in late June and we were supposed to get married in July.  This was supposed to be our first married Christmas.  Have a tree trimming party… buy each other sweet little gifts on the tight budget of the typical newly wed couple… lay in bed late Christmas morning making love… you know, all the things newly wed couples do their first year married.  But alas… he is not here!  Nor am I there!  I’m lonely today.  My heart aches for him this day more than just about any other so far.

Add to that the fact that I had to move home with my mom a couple of weeks ago to start saving money to get us married.  And that my eating disorder has been so bad I had to be rushed to the ER from work on Thursday due to such severe dehydrad ation and low blood sugar that I was unable to treat it effectively at work.  Then on the way home that night my car completely died and I don’t have the means to replace it right now…plus it being Christmas weekend and not many options of buying a car anyhow.  Then you add on the fact that it’s Christmas day and not one gift has been exchanged today.  I got a few small gifts yesterday,which I liked a lot, but still… it’s Christmas and still not one single gift.  Not even a card.

I’m depressed.  Plain and simple.  I’m depressed!  Feeling sorry for myself won’t make things any better.  I know this for fact.  Feeling sorry for myself won’t get me another car.. or even a way to get myself to work tomorrow.  It won’t get me a card or a gift.  It won’t get my Benneth here.  It won’t get me to him.  And it certainly won’t fix my eating disorder or my fears around what I’m doing to my body.  All of this I know.  Yet, I can’t seem to let it all go and just enjoy the day I have here with my family and soon going to some friends.  I have invitations to spend the day with several different people.  It’s just not what I want!  Perhaps nothing would be good enough today?!  I don’t know.  I just know I’m terribly unhappy.

What’s that old saying?  “When things get tough,the tough get going.”  I have one thing to say about this.  FUCK THIS SAYING!  I’m tired of plugging along and trying to always make the best of things.  I’m ready for something to be easy for awhile.  I actually don’t just want this at this point… it has become a need.

So I guess in way, I have answered my own question as to whether it’s truly a Blue Christmas or a Pity Party.  I believe right this moment it’s both.  The next wave of family just showed up.  Time to put my game face back on and make merry…. despite not feeling Christmas-y at all.

Blessing and be well until the New Year comes and we can ALL start anew.