Now, I’ve been having dreams about an ex for the past 15 years. All of them have been around us getting back together. At no time in the dreams of getting back with him am I happy or excited. It’s always a sense of dread that I’m going back into this terrible relationship where I’m not happy, loved, and pretty much alone despite sharing a home with him. A few months ago I dreamt that we were on the verge of reconnecting when I ran away to be with Benneth. Last night I had the most amazing dream about Doug. I went to visit him. We talked and laughed. I saw his best friend again. I told him I’m marrying Benneth. When it was time to leave, I hugged him and said goodbye. As I walked away, I had a tear in my eye and was able to recall the good things in our relationship…. some of the things I loved about him. I compared him to Benneth and saw some similarities… and some things so very different. I was able to love him for just a moment for who he is and not hate him anymore. What a beautiful moment!
It’s funny to me that I hardly ever dream about Ben. He is such a part of my daily life in all ways. I share every part of my life with him through my stories. When I wake he is my first thought. As I choose what to cook for dinner, I wonder if he’d like it and wish he were here to share it with me. As I lay down to sleep, he is my very last thought as my eyes close. Yet he isn’t in my dreams.
I wonder if there wasn’t room in my dreams for him yet because I was still working through my goodbyes with my ex? Guess I’ll never know. Will be interesting if I suddenly start having dreams about him! Ben tells me dreams about me and us practically every day. They are fun and sweet. Most of them pretty routine things that happen in life. Like I am so much a part of his life that he is never without a thought of me… awake or sleeping. At times I have felt guilty that I don’t dream about him… as if not dreaming about him is saying he is not as important to me as I am to him. This is so not true! My commitment to him is immense and as close to perfect as I can ever get.
I am so very happy that I have finally said my goodbyes to Doug! I have finally let go completely of all my guilt, shame, and blame around my relationship with him. I have told him I’m moving on and am marrying the man I love… and who loves me so very much. Today, I am very grateful for my dreams!
As Jodie Sees It 