Tag Archive | loneliness

An Attitude of Gratitude

So, I’m feeling extremely crabby today and I am CHOOSING to change how I feel and how I focus my time and energy.  Why don’t I start with a gratitude list and see where it goes from there?

1.  I’m alive!

2.  I had a healthy breakfast today and am starting to plan my lunch and dinner.

3.  I’m American… I have rights!

4.  I have a husband who absolutely adores me exactly how I am.

5.  Immigration is processing CR-1 cases from the California service center faster than usual.

6.  My family is coming to celebrate birthdays tonight.  I’m cooking dinner.

7.  I just registered in classes last night.  Things which excite me and can potentially change my life.

8.  It’s not so hot today that my vegetable plants are being scorched by the sun.

9.  I got the schedule I wanted at work and started last week.

10. I have a car again.  I’m not stranded at home.


OK, so 10 things isn’t very many in the grand scheme of things, right?  In this case, it really is quality over quantity.  There are 10 very special things on that list.  Pretty much every area of my life is covered, more or less.  I have to say that just this simple little 10 minute process has changed my mood.  Am I jumping for joy?  No.  But how often are we really happy enough to jump for joy?  If it were everyday, it wouldn’t be special.

I mentioned the immigration process.  I got a call from a friend about 2 weeks ago telling me to get on the ball and get things together for our initial approval.  We have a truck load of things to get done before that approval comes.  I will get a text and an email as soon as it’s granted.  I’ve managed to stay out of overwhelm and actually plug away at getting things done.  I have mostly everything collected now.  It’s a matter of assembling the data and getting ready for the fees and such.  The deadlines will come fast!

I am grateful on multiple levels here.  I’m grateful my friend called and shook me up.  I’m grateful I’m not so overwhelmed I can’t do anything.  (This is usually my norm with huge undertakings.)  I’m grateful I have time to get everything done.  And that I have a job which will allow me to afford the fees.  Most importantly, I’m grateful the process is moving swiftly!!!

My Honey has been in another country for nearly 3 years.  It gets hard day after day to be apart with no date in sight of when we will be living in the same home, not to mention on the same continent!  It will be soon.  I’m not hoping for Christmas.  Instead, I am saying that this is a reasonable timeframe and saying he will be here by then.  You’ve all heard of “The Secret” and the power of attraction?  Well, I am attracting positive things and what I want by spending my time and energy and thoughts on them.  He WILL be here!  🙂

It’s funny how the time has flown by.  It was almost 3 years ago that we first met and were going through the getting-to-know-you phase of our relationship.  Fun, exciting, stressful, romantic.  And here we are married.  I wanted a love, a partner for so long before I met Ben.  I don’t have his body here, but I know he is present.  I can feel his presence here with me all the time.  There is a certain routine we have fallen into, even with the distance.  Things we both count on.  I can almost predict what he will say to me in response to some things verbatim.

There is a sweetness to a longer relationship which you don’t get in the excitement of a new love.  He is not “old hat” and I certainly don’t take him for granted!  There is no longer that newness and excitement of falling in love with someone new, though.  So many people chase that feeling.  When things start to settle they leave in search of the rush of new love.  There is a comfort there which I have never experienced before.  A comfort and safety I had only heard of in relationships.  A total and unconditional acceptance and love exists between the two of us which I feel so fortunate to have!

I miss Ben terribly today.  I long to sit beside him watching the news and tease him about watching too much.  Holding his hand, rubbing his head.  The little things.  Being in the kitchen cooking and knowing he is waiting for me to come out with some wonderful new creation he’s never had before.  Napping together in front of the window mid-afternoon to escape the heat.  I would love to be irritated with him right this moment for taking longer to come home than expeected!  That would mean that I am there waiting for him and could see him and hold him upon his return.

My gratitude in missing my husband is that I love him enough to miss him.  That our relationship is strong enough to withstand this distance and stress.  That we have learned to say “I miss you” instead of arguing and bringing greater distance.

Perhaps missing Ben is why I am so crabby and ill content today?  Makes sense.  Hopefully he will be available soon and I can look into his smiling face and tell him I love him…. and how very much I miss him today.


Is it a Blue Christmas or a Pity Party?

Here it is Christmas again…. 2011.  The year is almost at it’s close.  I can’t wait!  There has been so much stress and strife this year I simply cannot wait for new and better things to arise in 2012.

I ask myself today if this truly is a Blue Christmas for me… or if I’m feeling sorry for myself for a number of reasons.  The first and foremost…. Benneth is not here!  He was supposed to be here back in late June and we were supposed to get married in July.  This was supposed to be our first married Christmas.  Have a tree trimming party… buy each other sweet little gifts on the tight budget of the typical newly wed couple… lay in bed late Christmas morning making love… you know, all the things newly wed couples do their first year married.  But alas… he is not here!  Nor am I there!  I’m lonely today.  My heart aches for him this day more than just about any other so far.

Add to that the fact that I had to move home with my mom a couple of weeks ago to start saving money to get us married.  And that my eating disorder has been so bad I had to be rushed to the ER from work on Thursday due to such severe dehydrad ation and low blood sugar that I was unable to treat it effectively at work.  Then on the way home that night my car completely died and I don’t have the means to replace it right now…plus it being Christmas weekend and not many options of buying a car anyhow.  Then you add on the fact that it’s Christmas day and not one gift has been exchanged today.  I got a few small gifts yesterday,which I liked a lot, but still… it’s Christmas and still not one single gift.  Not even a card.

I’m depressed.  Plain and simple.  I’m depressed!  Feeling sorry for myself won’t make things any better.  I know this for fact.  Feeling sorry for myself won’t get me another car.. or even a way to get myself to work tomorrow.  It won’t get me a card or a gift.  It won’t get my Benneth here.  It won’t get me to him.  And it certainly won’t fix my eating disorder or my fears around what I’m doing to my body.  All of this I know.  Yet, I can’t seem to let it all go and just enjoy the day I have here with my family and soon going to some friends.  I have invitations to spend the day with several different people.  It’s just not what I want!  Perhaps nothing would be good enough today?!  I don’t know.  I just know I’m terribly unhappy.

What’s that old saying?  “When things get tough,the tough get going.”  I have one thing to say about this.  FUCK THIS SAYING!  I’m tired of plugging along and trying to always make the best of things.  I’m ready for something to be easy for awhile.  I actually don’t just want this at this point… it has become a need.

So I guess in way, I have answered my own question as to whether it’s truly a Blue Christmas or a Pity Party.  I believe right this moment it’s both.  The next wave of family just showed up.  Time to put my game face back on and make merry…. despite not feeling Christmas-y at all.

Blessing and be well until the New Year comes and we can ALL start anew.