Tag Archive | relationships

An Attitude of Gratitude

So, I’m feeling extremely crabby today and I am CHOOSING to change how I feel and how I focus my time and energy.  Why don’t I start with a gratitude list and see where it goes from there?

1.  I’m alive!

2.  I had a healthy breakfast today and am starting to plan my lunch and dinner.

3.  I’m American… I have rights!

4.  I have a husband who absolutely adores me exactly how I am.

5.  Immigration is processing CR-1 cases from the California service center faster than usual.

6.  My family is coming to celebrate birthdays tonight.  I’m cooking dinner.

7.  I just registered in classes last night.  Things which excite me and can potentially change my life.

8.  It’s not so hot today that my vegetable plants are being scorched by the sun.

9.  I got the schedule I wanted at work and started last week.

10. I have a car again.  I’m not stranded at home.


OK, so 10 things isn’t very many in the grand scheme of things, right?  In this case, it really is quality over quantity.  There are 10 very special things on that list.  Pretty much every area of my life is covered, more or less.  I have to say that just this simple little 10 minute process has changed my mood.  Am I jumping for joy?  No.  But how often are we really happy enough to jump for joy?  If it were everyday, it wouldn’t be special.

I mentioned the immigration process.  I got a call from a friend about 2 weeks ago telling me to get on the ball and get things together for our initial approval.  We have a truck load of things to get done before that approval comes.  I will get a text and an email as soon as it’s granted.  I’ve managed to stay out of overwhelm and actually plug away at getting things done.  I have mostly everything collected now.  It’s a matter of assembling the data and getting ready for the fees and such.  The deadlines will come fast!

I am grateful on multiple levels here.  I’m grateful my friend called and shook me up.  I’m grateful I’m not so overwhelmed I can’t do anything.  (This is usually my norm with huge undertakings.)  I’m grateful I have time to get everything done.  And that I have a job which will allow me to afford the fees.  Most importantly, I’m grateful the process is moving swiftly!!!

My Honey has been in another country for nearly 3 years.  It gets hard day after day to be apart with no date in sight of when we will be living in the same home, not to mention on the same continent!  It will be soon.  I’m not hoping for Christmas.  Instead, I am saying that this is a reasonable timeframe and saying he will be here by then.  You’ve all heard of “The Secret” and the power of attraction?  Well, I am attracting positive things and what I want by spending my time and energy and thoughts on them.  He WILL be here!  🙂

It’s funny how the time has flown by.  It was almost 3 years ago that we first met and were going through the getting-to-know-you phase of our relationship.  Fun, exciting, stressful, romantic.  And here we are married.  I wanted a love, a partner for so long before I met Ben.  I don’t have his body here, but I know he is present.  I can feel his presence here with me all the time.  There is a certain routine we have fallen into, even with the distance.  Things we both count on.  I can almost predict what he will say to me in response to some things verbatim.

There is a sweetness to a longer relationship which you don’t get in the excitement of a new love.  He is not “old hat” and I certainly don’t take him for granted!  There is no longer that newness and excitement of falling in love with someone new, though.  So many people chase that feeling.  When things start to settle they leave in search of the rush of new love.  There is a comfort there which I have never experienced before.  A comfort and safety I had only heard of in relationships.  A total and unconditional acceptance and love exists between the two of us which I feel so fortunate to have!

I miss Ben terribly today.  I long to sit beside him watching the news and tease him about watching too much.  Holding his hand, rubbing his head.  The little things.  Being in the kitchen cooking and knowing he is waiting for me to come out with some wonderful new creation he’s never had before.  Napping together in front of the window mid-afternoon to escape the heat.  I would love to be irritated with him right this moment for taking longer to come home than expeected!  That would mean that I am there waiting for him and could see him and hold him upon his return.

My gratitude in missing my husband is that I love him enough to miss him.  That our relationship is strong enough to withstand this distance and stress.  That we have learned to say “I miss you” instead of arguing and bringing greater distance.

Perhaps missing Ben is why I am so crabby and ill content today?  Makes sense.  Hopefully he will be available soon and I can look into his smiling face and tell him I love him…. and how very much I miss him today.


Gratitude and Relationships

It’s Wednesday night, December 28h.  It’s been a long week, or so.  Was feeling pretty sorry for myself on Christmas.  I’m done with that!  I had the rest of the family come over just as I was finishing up my last blog post.  There were gifts and merriment.  I spent the rest of the day with friends from a support group I belong to.  What a wonderful experience that was!

Do you know how nice it is to go be with people who CHOOSE to be with you on Christmas?  Where there is no sense of obligation or any long time history of an unhealthy dynamic?  It’s fabulous!  I recommend it to everyone!  We don’t get to choose our bio-families…. but we can choose our supportive family.  Thank God for small miracles!

I went to an AA meeting later Christmas night.  There was a woman sharing who was clean and sober off alcohol and meth for only 30 days.  She was divorcing a man who abuses her.  Two of her three sons are in prison… one with a life sentence, no possibility of parole.  There was a fellow who staggered in straight up drunk.  Yes, falling down, “I love you,man” drunk.  I was filled with such a sense of gratitude.  Drinking has not ever been my main issue.  It is just the program I went to which got me into the one I need to be in.  Much easier to accept an alcohol problem than an eating problem.  I shared in that meeting that I’ve been sober for just under 8 years now.  The problems I have now are truly “luxury problems”.

What is a luxury problem?  I asked that question for a long time when I was first getting my life straightened back out after a major manic episode which left me driving drunk on the wrong way of freeway on ramp, in a psych hospital for danger to myself, and out of a job and back on disability.  I was looking at the world around me asking what in the hell a “luxury” problem was!  I just totally couldn’t relate.  Today I do.  I have a job. I have a home to live in.  A warm bed to sleep in.  A man I love.  A relationship I cherish.  Friends who love me like family.  A strong support system when things are hard.  Money in the bank… even if it is just a little!  The list goes on!  Not living exactly where I want to and having my own car are really pretty small compared to the problems other have.  I have come to believe that GRATITUDE is the key to a happy exhistence.

Right this moment, I am feeling afraid.  Mildly,but afraid.  I have started to set boundaries and ask for what I want and need in my relationships.  Both close to me and those at more distance.  I sent Benneth an email talking about my desire for each of us to work on jealousy issues.  As indivuals and as a couple.  How do we overcome this difficult issue.  Is there willingness for each of us to look at our core beliefs about ourselves and our relationship.  I don’t doubt the stability of our relationship one bit.  I believe strongly that this is something we can accomplish.  I know I have the ego strength to pick up and deal with this issue by the horns.  My fear is that it will bring up more discomfort between us.  Looking at the hard parts in a relationship is just that…HARD! 

Being married and making a relationship work is more than just paying the bills, cleaning house, making love, and the day-to-day mundane things.  There is so much more to it if it is to be truly strong and healthy.  This is something I’ve never had.  I’ve had relationships in the past which left soo much lacking!  I want to have a marriage with Benneth where we do the work and have a marriage and love others look at and envy.  “How do they do it?”  That is the question I want everyone to ask.  With all the obstacles we must overcome to have a marriage at all… I want it to be so solid that not even the most destructive disaster…or God himself…  can break it apart!  Working on the issues which make things more difficult in the long run upfront make things so much easier.  This is a lesson I wish to learn from other’s experience.

I  know this is going all over the place tonight.  There is just so much on my mind and in my heart tonight. 

For my Benneth…  I love you deeply and forever.  My wish is for you to never doubt my love or commitment to you.  And for me to never worry I am not enough to keep you.  We have a love so deep and so pure that I have no doubt this wish can come true.  Afuru ngi naya, Obi m!

The Meaning of Dreams

Now, I’ve been having dreams about an ex for the past 15 years.  All of them have been around us getting back together.  At no time in the dreams of getting back with him am I happy or excited.  It’s always a sense of dread that I’m going back into this terrible relationship where I’m not happy, loved, and pretty much alone despite sharing a home with him.  A few months ago I dreamt that we were on the verge of reconnecting when I ran away to be with Benneth. Last night I had the most amazing dream about Doug.  I went to visit him.  We talked and laughed.  I saw his best friend again.  I told him I’m marrying Benneth.  When it was time to leave, I hugged him and said goodbye.  As I walked away, I had a tear in my eye and was able to recall the good things in our relationship…. some of the things I loved about him.  I compared him to Benneth and saw some similarities… and some things so very different.  I was able to love him for  just a moment for who he is and not hate him anymore.  What a beautiful moment!

It’s funny to me that I hardly ever dream about Ben.  He is such a part of my daily life in all ways.  I share every part of my life with him through my stories.  When I wake he is my first thought.  As I choose what to cook for dinner, I wonder if he’d like it and wish he were here to share it with me.  As I lay down to sleep, he is my very last thought as my eyes close.  Yet he isn’t in my dreams.

I wonder if there wasn’t room in my dreams for him yet because I was still working through my goodbyes with my ex?  Guess I’ll never know.  Will be interesting if I suddenly start having dreams about him!  Ben tells me dreams about me and us practically every day.  They are fun and sweet.  Most of them pretty routine things that happen in life.  Like I am so much a part of his life that he is never without a thought of me… awake or sleeping.  At times I have felt guilty that I don’t dream about him… as if not dreaming about him is saying he is not as important to me as I am to him.  This is so not true!    My commitment to him is immense and as close to perfect as I can ever get.

I am so very happy that I have finally said my goodbyes to Doug!  I have finally let go completely of all my guilt, shame, and blame around my relationship with him.  I have told him I’m moving on and am marrying the man I love… and who loves me so very much.  Today, I am very grateful for my dreams!

Left of center

My entire day has gone really well.  Work was basically stress free.  Enjoyed dinner with a friend and then had a nice discount shopping trip.  (One of my favorite things!)  Amazing some of the bargains you can find out there!  There seems to be this uncontrollable phenomenon that because it’s cheaper I have to buy it… and even more things, too, because I saved so much money on the first thing.  Doesn’t all come out in the wash.

So, as I said, my entire day really was pleasant and positive….and then I bought myself a pretty artificial Christmas tree.  I was so excited about this tree when I saw it and brought it home!  I have an adorable apartment which I’ve hand picked all of my furniture and decorations.  It’s mine in all ways.  I’m proud of my humble little home and have come to really enjoy being here…. even if I complain about too much alone time.  Purchasing this silly tree brought about so many uncomfortable feelings for me.  Seems that a tree was the impetus for feeling all of my disappointments, frustrations, hurts, angers around the holidays.  Some real, some imagined.  For so many people, the approach of the holidays can be such a time of turbulence and disappointment because of too many expectations and hoping things will be different this year.  It seems that every year I remind my clients to let go of expectations and do what feels good to them.  What’s that saying?  Doctor, heal thy self!  This is the first time in years that I’ve had any issues with holiday expectations for myself or others.  Why is it different this year?

I can’t remember a time EVER that Ben and I have been so far off in our needs and head space as we were tonight.  You know, it’s never unpleasant talking to him or being with him.  lol  This is yet another lesson in expectations!  No matter how meant for each other we are and in tune with the other, etc., etc., etc….. neither of us can read the other’s mind!  lol  This has always been a personal fault of mine.  Believing that I can get irritated with you for not meeting my needs when I don’t actually tell you what they are, because you should know.  What a fallacy that is!  Change of tune to the first sentence in this paragraph: I wanted a different reaction from Ben from the one he gave me and I’m feeling disappointed  because I never actually stopped to tell him what I was feeling or wanted/needed from him.  Now that I have that clear!  Introspection and honesty… what great gifts!  (Yes, there is sarcasm in that statement, but also much truth and appreciation.)

I started out at onset of this post feeling somewhat left of center.  Now that I’ve looked at what took me there, I’m back to feeling right as rain!  Lots going on beneath the surface on several levels, but the basic theme is there for me: EXPECTATION!

Good night.