Touchstone was the jumping off point for me to really dig into my past and my family dynamics. Funny how such a simple thing as seeing similarities between two different people in your life can result in a massive unearthing of pain and trauma.
I spoke with a good friend today about my emotional revelations, along with some of the actual story details. For the very first time in my life I had someone validate my pain and just how horrible it actually was for me. To see my parents fight and my father brutally beat my mother in front of me, never knowing if my dad would come home or not… or how long he’d be gone if he didn’t, would it be safe or not if he did come home, feeling responsible for my parents fighting, and never being allowed to talk about the trauma and my feelings around it. All of this happened between birth and 6 years…. the fundamental formative years of who I am, how I function in the world and how I form relationships with others. The validation was exactly what I needed to hear. The next thing she told me was to repeat this mantra over and over- I have a right and deserve to be loved, protected, and safe. What a powerful statement to hear and tell myself.
The abuse goes beyond the initial domestic violence, abandonment, and lack of any sense of stability. I am the product of a second marriage after my mom divorced her first husband and left the other kids. This is not the story she tells, but I know this how they all felt, as they have all told me at one time or another. Not only did I always have my mom all those years, but I am the child of the man who beat her. I am also the child of the man who threatened the older kids physically. So many layers of trauma and abuse for all of us kids. Being in this position in the family, much unfair neglect and abuse have come my way. My older brother has been the worst offender in abusing me emotionally on so many levels. At this point, I am not able or willing to have empathy for his feelings about the family history. What I do know is that regardless of what he feels, wants, needs from anyone… I AM NOT AT FAULT for his pain… and I will not longer fall victim to his abuse.
The same holds true for my mom. She won’t admit it, but I’m now very sure that part of her neglect and emotional distancing of me is because I am my father’s child. For years she has told me I am not part of “that family.” I am her child and nothing like them. I look a lot like my father and have many of his personality characteristics, minus the violent tendencies. This must be very painful for her… to look at her child and see the product of a man who hurt her over and over. I would imagine it to be similar to being the product of a rape… except there was love between them on some level. Does this give her the right to deny who I am? To disrespect my thoughts, feelings, experiences? To withhold love and an emotional connection? Absolutely NOT!
I have the power of choice now that I can clearly see what all the dynamics are in the family and how I fit into them. I can choose to stay in the mix and continue to be on the receiving end of neglect and emotional abuse, I can walk away completely and find my own family, I can cut some people out of my life and not others, or I can do some varying combination of these things. As of today, my choice is to remove the most painful people from my life altogether, keep the ones who love and support, and set clear boundaries and expectations with those who are in the middle… and be willing to walk away (temporarily, as the case may be) when the boundaries are not respected. I, too, have to commit to respecting other’s boundaries and expectations. This is not a one-way street for any of us. I did not become the victim of abuse for 39 years without playing my role, too.
Being rejected and abandoned on multiple levels for so many years, when I did realize it hurt to be part of the family, I made a choice (not a cognitive one!) that it was better to keep quiet, watch my P’s and Q’s, and accept the abuse in order to maintain my place in the family. Losing everyone and truly believing that if my own family didn’t really want me that no one else would either. I would be all alone… and TOTALLY unsafe in the world. Through years of my own therapy and personal growth, I have come to know this is a fallacy. Each of us has our own special gifts and we are all so lovable… and there are many people out there who will see us for the person we really are and love us to bits! Writing that “we are all so lovable” made me think back to a teacher at my high school, Mr. Custodio. He was an ex-priest and taught latin. All the kids at school used to joke about him making all his students repeat this following phrase each day in his class: I Am Lovable And Likable. (IALAL as it was posted on the wall.) What a beautiful gift he gave each of his students. I wish I had recognized it then.
I am flexing my power of choice to allow people into my life who are loving, kind, accepting, gentle, and just plain old make me feel good being with them! I am also choosing to tell myself each day that I have a right and deserve to be loved, protected, and safe.
As Jodie Sees It 